32 - Detroit Lions (0-9)
I can just picture Calvin Johnson waking up at 2 a.m. every Monday morning, calling Barry Sanders and asking "Why me?!?!? Why did the Lions have to pick me?!?!" while he hysterically and uncontrollably weeps. Fun times in Detroit.
31 - Cincinnati Bengals (1-8)
I can't figure out why Marvin Lewis is still gainfully employed. Maybe they're waiting for him to resign, or maybe they're hoping he'll attempt to strangle Chad Johnson to death so they can fire him without paying the rest of his contract, but something just doesn't make sense there.
30 - Oakland Raiders (2-7)
It's hard to tell exactly when the Raiders imploded. Was it in the off-season, when Al Davis drafted a resignation letter for Lane Kiffin to sign, and he refused? Was it when Kiffin thought it was a completely reasonable idea for Sebastian Janikowski to attempt a 76-yard field goal? Was it the now YouTube famous Al Davis press conference that made him look like a mix between a grouchy, senile old man and that skeleton from "Tales from the Crypt?" Whatever it was, the Raiders really, really suck.
Al Davis is a scary-looking human beingIt was cute a few weeks ago when the Rams tried their best to be good, even winning two straight games. It was like a 3-year old reaching for the cookie jar that was just out of reach. Glad to see after last Sunday's crapfest against the Jets that they've fallen back down to Earth.
28 - Kansas City Chiefs (1-8)
Can't seem to find a way to win football games. But at least Larry Johnson, a fellow Penn Stater, has taken time off his busy schedule of spitting on women at the club, to play in next week's game.
27 - San Francisco 49ers (2-7)
I'm a 49ers fan and the last good team I've seen was when Terrell Owens was accusing Jeff Garcia of liking guys. So don't mind all of us Niners fans who are talking ourselves into Mike Singletary being the savior. Just let us have a little something.
26 - Seattle Seahawks (2-7)
I'm guessing when Mike Holmgren decided to come back for one more season, this isn't what he had in mind.
25 - Houston Texans (3-6)
Let's look at the bright side. At least Sage Rosenfels didn't attempt to leap over any linebackers and fumble the ball this time. He did have those four interceptions though. Yeah....
24 - Cleveland Browns (3-6)
I'm not sure what sucks more. That the Browns are wasting so much offensive talent, or that we're forced to watch them in primetime two more times this season.
23 - Jacksonville Jaguars (4-5)
Lions running back Kevin Smith said that during last week's game, members of the Jags were taunting him, saying "they stink." It's nice that the Jags went from a trendy Super Bowl pick in the beginning of the season, to belittling a winless team (and just a week after losing to a previous winless team, the Bengals). Keep up the good work guys.
22 - San Diego Chargers (4-5)
It's a shame that a team with this much talent has underachieved this much. Lucky for them, they play in one of the worst divisions in football (I say one of the worst, because the NFC West is fighting them for the honor) so 8-8 may be enough to get them in the playoffs.
21 - New Orleans Saints (4-5)
See paragraph above. Only difference for the Saints is that they play in a much more difficult division and conference.
20 - Denver Broncos (5-4)
I can't see them winning their division with a defensive philosophy of "if we can just hold them under 30 points, we can probably win." That won't work in December. Oh, and the fact that the best kid on your high school's football team is probably suiting up to play running back for Denver this week is probably not a good sign.
19 - Buffalo Bills (5-4)
Fattened their record up on mediocre competition early and now they're free-falling fast. Trent Edwards was getting a lot of hype early in the season. Now? Not-so-much.
18 - Green Bay Packers (4-5)
I feel like they should be better. A-Rodge ain't so bad and their defense can create turnovers, but for some reason, the Packers can't get over the hump. Favre curse anyone?
17 - Minnesota Vikings (5-4)
Gus Frerotte proves that if you can just hang on in the league long enough, you'll eventually get another shot. Remember in the beginning of the season when the Vikings didn't go after Brett Favre because coach Brad Childress was confident in Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback? Well the fact that Gus seems to throw three interceptions every week and still keep his job really shows how much confidence they still have in Jackson.
16 - Dallas Cowboys (5-4)
They're the most entertaining theater in the NFL. I was shocked when DeAngelo Hall was released that Jerry Jones wasn't immediately on the phone with his agent, offering him a six-year, 60-million dollar contract. With so much talent, they gotta still sneak in the playoffs though, right?
15 - Miami Dolphins (5-4)
It baffles me that this Wildcat offense thing is still working in the NFL, to the point where every team has some variation of it in their playbook. The Fins are pretty good, and will ruin a lot of teams chances of making the playoffs.
14 - Chicago Bears (5-4)
Sexy Rexy didn't have enough to get it done last week. Did you ever think you'd see the day when Kyle Orton means the difference between a team making or missing the playoffs? Me neither.
Does this face really look like the face ofa good NFL quarterback?
They're a pretty average team. They beat up on bad teams. They hang with, but can't beat, good teams. Unfortunately, that won't get it done in the NFC East. But hey, at least the Phillies won right...?
12 - Indianapolis Colts (5-4)
They look like they're starting to turn it on. Peyton Manning needs to just stop throwing it to Marvin Harrison and focus on Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark and Anthony Gonzalez exclusively though. After watching Harrison miss every big pass play that went to him on Sunday night, it's clear that he has lost a step.
11 - New York Jets (6-3)
Good run game, good defense, solid receivers and a Hall-of-Famer running the show. I just can't wait until their inevitable first-round exit from the playoffs after a textbook late Favre interception that goes for six.
10 - Baltimore Ravens (6-3)
I have to admit, Joe Flacco's been pretty good lately. How is Ray Lewis still awesome? He's like 57-years-old. The Ravens are top-10 material for now, but it'll be interesting to see how they respond when they play all the teams from the NFC East.
9 - Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-3)
I don't think Jeff Garcia can get them in the playoffs. I'm not really sure Brian Griese can either. But hey, Jon Gruden's won a Super Bowl with Brad Johnson, so I guess anything's possible.
8 - Atlanta Falcons (6-3)
I'm shocked that they're this good, and I thought Matt Ryan was going to suck when he got in the NFL. I don't know if they play enough defense to get in the playoffs, but after all that has went wrong in Atlanta, you can't not root for the Falcons.
7 - New England Patriots (6-3)
God I hate Bill Belichick. The football Gods sacrificed Tom Brady's knee for Camera-gate and for despicably running up of the score last season and he still finds ways to ugly up the game, control the clock and win. What an asshole.
6 - Arizona Cardinals (6-3)
When I studied in London, a lot of British people and other Europeans used to argue that rugby was the real man's game, not football, because their athletes "didn't play with pads." Well Anquan Boldin got his face shattered, had eight plates put in his face and came back to play three weeks later (without taking pain medicine). He's one of the best receivers in the league right now. When one of your fat rugby players play with ONE plate in their face, I'll listen to your argument. Until then, shut the hell up.
Boldin would crush a rugby playerAfter a hot start, they may be on the verge of fading. Clinton Portis is a beast, but now with the news that he may not play this week, the Skins may be heading for some trouble.
4 - Pittsburgh Steelers (6-3)
Why hasn't the Steelers' strength and conditioning coach been fired yet? I mean, when you're punter and long snapper are getting hurt, it's not just bad luck anymore. Haven't these guys ever heard of steroids and cortisone shots?
3 - Carolina Panthers (7-2)
It pains me to rank them this high. That performance against the Raiders last week was one of the worst I've ever seen. Four interceptions? Steve Smith needs to punch Jake Delhomme in the face.
2 - New York Giants (8-1)
The most balanced team in the league. They do everything well and, in my opinion, are still the favorite to win the Super Bowl. Their remaining schedule is absolutely brutal though, with their opponents record a combined 39-23, so we'll see just how good they really are.
1 - Tennessee Titans (9-0)
Oh how far you've come Kerry Collins. It seems like just yesterday when you were calling your teammates racial slurs. Now, people are using your name in the same breath with the letters M-V-P.
Only in the "National Football League."
All pictures courtesy of Google Images.
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