Why America Doesn't Care About Soccer

My love for soccer started in the summer of 2006. I played in high school and loosely followed it when I got to college, but I became a true fan when I worked in London that summer.

My time in England also coincided with the 2006 World Cup, and that's what hooked me. England's love for the game sucked me in and some of my best memories of that summer were pounding beers with overly high alcohol content and yelling till I grew hoarse for the English National Team.

In England, all the games were on in the early and late afternoon, meaning we could often watch a game as soon as we got back from work. Although there was a five-hour difference, the schedule was still favorable for Americans watching at home, and the ratings were generally good for that year's Cup. It was clear that soccer would never reach the popularity of football, basketball or baseball in the States, but many thought that the '06 Cup would make more Americans take interest in the world's game.

It didn't happen. Soccer has still never came close to the popularity it reaches abroad and the average American fan doesn't know much about the professional game.

But why? Soccer is the most popular sport in the world. I know the NFL wants you to believe that football is, even going so far as to say that the winner of the Super Bowl is the "world champion," (how does one become the world champion without playing any international competition exactly?) but like it or not, soccer is the world's game. Players like Cristiano Ronaldo and Ronaldinho are much more popular worldwide than Peyton Manning or LaDainian Tomlinson will ever be.

So let's examine just why soccer hasn't caught on here.

Meet Ronaldo, one of (if not the) best soccer players in the world.
I've never been much of a fan of the pretty boy, but I will say he
knows how to throw one helluva party.

We Kinda Suck at it
Lets just start with the most obvious reason why Americans don't care about soccer. We're not very good.

Don't get me wrong, we're getting much better. Our national team has looked fairly impressive so far in World Cup qualifying, and more children are playing soccer in the US than ever before.

But all the best soccer is being played oversees. Top leagues like the Premier League in England, Serie A in Italy and Spain's Primera Division are where you'll see the world's top players. The American equivalent to those leagues is Major League Soccer (MLS). To compare, if the Premier League was the NFL, the MLS would be the hungover rec games you and your out-of-shape friends get together on Sundays.

But there is hope. Some of our best players are playing internationally to better their games and get valuable experience for the 2010 World Cup. Our most notable players, Landon Donovan (forward), DeMarcus Beasley (winger) and Tim Howard (goalie) all currently play abroad, leaving open the possibility of the Americans making some noise in next year's Cup.

We'll need Donovan (left) and Beasley to step up if we
hope to play well in the 2010 World Cup

How Many Leagues Do They Play in Again?
Following soccer is a full-time commitment. Teams' regular seasons are played in their leagues, and generally last from August to May. The regular season is 38 games (most of the top leagues have 20 teams, and play a home and an away with each team in the league).

Throughout that time, the best teams also play in the UEFA Champions League. This league is strictly for Europe's top teams, and starts in July with qualifying. Games are played throughout the year until the championship in May. Let me just say this: if you don't like soccer, watch some of the Champions League. If you don't like what you see, you'll simply never like the sport.

There's also the UEFA Cup, which is similar to the Champions League, but slightly less prestigious. Players also periodically leave their teams to play for their National Teams, so those teams can qualify for the World Cup. There's also the European Championship, named "Euro" and whatever year it's being played in (i.e. Euro 2008), which is played every four years (and two years after every World Cup). It features 16 European National Teams competing for the title of Champion of Europe. Teams have to play in qualifiers to make that tournament as well.

As you can see, there's a lot to keep up with (and I'm sure there's more. Those are just the ones I'm familiar with). Then factor in that soccer games are usually two to three hours to watch. This is a country that coined the term "fast food" because we're too lazy to wait for a well-prepared meal, and rather wait three minutes or less to inhale cheap, greasy, fatty, deep-fried garbage. Do you really think we have the attention span to follow a sport that goes all year? Me neither.

You Say Tomato, I say Tomahto. You Know What? Screw it, I'll say Tomato Too.
Lets just admit it. We stole the name football. The real futbol is the sport that, you know, is actually played with your feet. A more accurate name for our sport should be "throwball" or "tackleball." Problem is, those names kind of suck.

So we took aspects of European rugby and futbol, and named our sport football too. Wait, there's a different sport already called that? So what? We're Americans dammit; we'll do as we please.

After working abroad, I can tell you that Europeans, and particularly British people, aren't too fond of us stealing the name of their game, and arrogantly proclaiming that it's the best sport in the world. In turn, Americans feel that our football is clearly superior to their futbol and secretly enjoy the fact that we have a different name for the sport than everyone else in the world. What's funny is that as mad as Brits get about us calling the sport soccer, the word supposedly was coined by an England national team captain in the 1880s.

So yeah, we steal stuff, but at least we steal from credible sources.

This fine sir coined the phrase "soccer." Anyone with a
'stasche as good as that is fine in my book.

You Thought Madden Was Bad? Just Wait Till you Hear these Guys.
One of the best parts of watching the World Cup in England was getting all British (and occasional Scottish) analysts and commentators. They're incredibly knowledgeable, can explain complex parts of the game in simple terms and are passionate about the game. When they talk about soccer, it feels like every game is a big game. They also are great at manipulating the English language to describe action on the field; doing so better than commentators for any other sport (i.e. "That was a masterful intervention by Steven Gerrard" to describe a stolen pass).

America has started to wise up, even hiring Andy Gray as an analyst for Euro 2008, but it needs to go further. Lose American talking heads all together. Even if they know what they're talking about, it just sounds like they don't. What's worse is that they often compare things going on on the soccer pitch to more popular American sports, like baseball and football, for the average (read: stupid) American fan.

ESPN should just cut a check to the Sky Sports and BBC in England and let us watch the analysis from the British commentators. Dumbing the sport down with the cliche-filled drivel that we hear from our analysts can easily drive most fans away.

Games End in Ties. Like Alot.
There's nothing we like better as Americans than clear-cut winners and losers. We like to see one person or team show they're dominant, with the other team looking like pathetic failures.

In soccer, it doesn't quite work that way. The top leagues have their games end in ties if no one wins in regulation. There are also ties in qualifying, and usually the only time there has to be a clear winner in the knockout stages of tournament play (when teams must advance).

That doesn't sit well with many fans, especially when you've been watching a game for hours in hopes of a conclusion. Often weaker teams will play for a tie, especially on the road, as you get a point for such decisions (a win is worth three, a tie one and a loss zero). So there's a very realistic chance that you can spend an afternoon watching a game, only to see it end 0-0.

Which brings us to another problem...

We Want Goals Son, and Lots of 'Em
When games aren't ending in ties, alot of times they end 1-0. Now a game can be spectacularly played - full of great opportunities, solid up-and-down play and plenty of tense moments - but if a player only finds the back of the net once, that's the only goal you'll get.

Playing for 1-0 conclusions is actually a strategy for some teams. Italy is known for playing some of the most lockdown defense of any other country. They normally try to score first and put all their focus into keeping their opponent out of the net. When you have sick D, it's an effective strategy... and a terrible display to have to watch.

We Americans like points. Lots of 'em. Just look at the changes that have been made to hockey. Have you seen some of the hockey scores lately? Subtle rule tweaks were made to increase goal scoring. If the score is tied at the end of regulation and overtime, they go to a shootout. Shootouts are exciting (even if not a truly fair way to decide a winner) but it's something that soccer would never consider for regular season games. One goal games just aren't going to cut it for most American fans.

Isn't That the Sport Where Those Nancy-boys Flop all the Time?
As an avid soccer fan myself, this part of the game infuriates me the most. The constant flopping and faking of injuries really hinders the game. Take a brief look at some notable ones...

soccer players faking injury - More amazing videos are a click away

I feel like it has gotten to the point where players aren't even consciously trying to do it anymore. They've been trained to play that way for their entire careers, and the natural instinct when you're touched is to fall to the ground and flail around like a fish out of water. Seeing players act this way completely turns off most American fans (as it should). When you have a sport as physical as football, and then you see a guy take a dive off a tiny shove, it's bound to make you less-than-thrilled to see a soccer game.

I have a theory though. Where as most Americans see the theatrics of these players as acting soft, I actually think it's for a different reason. I think the soccer players aren't soft at all. To do what they do, 11 months a year, requires you to be one of the top athletes in the world, whether you believe it or not. It has nothing to do with being soft and everything to do with the Europeans being dirty, rotten cheaters.

They're not trying to be pussies when they take these dramatic dives. They just know that by doing that, and by basically cheating, they can get the refs to blow the whistle, make a mistake and give their team an advantage. They've mastered bending the rules in this particular way, and at times it can be very effective. That doesn't make it suck any less.

And just to play devil's advocate... don't football players hold on just about every play? If you watch every play in slow motion, you'll see at least three guys holding. The refs just throw a flag when the penalty is really blatant and causes too much of an advantage. Does it make our athletes any better because they cheat, but don't look like dandies while doing it? Just sayin'.

If Only They Could Make SportCenter's Top 10 Plays....
I think one of the biggest reasons why Americans aren't paying attention to soccer, is the fact that we rarely see highlights. Goals are awesome. The fact that they're really difficult to score makes them that much better to see. Yet, watch your everyday SportsCenter, and you'll be hard-pressed to see a soccer highlight.

Listen, I love seeing thunderous dunks just as much as the next guy, but most of them look pretty similar to one another. When you see five crazy ones a night, it's not quite as cool anymore.

So why not show one, sick soccer highlight a night? What's great about soccer is how many different ways goals are scored. Players score on fast breaks, one-timers, headers, powerful shots from 20+ yards out and even the occasional bicycle kick. If fans see enough of these plays, it may pique their interest to start watching full games. At the very least, it might make them follow or read up on what's going on in soccer when they check out their daily sports websites.

So ESPN, when you're done giving us 12 different opinions on A-Rod, try showing the occasional soccer highlight.

Photos Courtesy of Google and Getty Images